A dangerous cocktail of emotions……

Not been a good day today, at all. In point of fact, I’ve been in bits, emotionally so. The journey into the office for the weekly Peer Support group saw several worst case scenarios playing out in my head.

When I reached the office, I couldn’t laugh, joke or be nice to anybody. The overriding emotions are taking over and causing me to display some personality traits which are not indicative of me as a person.

What are these emotions? Doom, jealousy, grief, paranoia, upset, anger. With all that swirling around, I just cannot think straight. And to think those eight days away would have pressed the reset button. In fact, I just feel all of the above. With my senses on high alert, it’s a very difficult time. I mean, jealousy for a start. I never have been jealous of anyone in my life, to date. But that all changed today, without any justification at all.

Horrible. Where’s it all going to stop? This horrible year has not let up yet. I need to pay a visit to my doctor before things get even worse. I don’t want to return to those bad old days. But I feel slightly out of control at the moment and want to arrest this before I do crash spectacularly. I’m trying to talk to people, to elicit counselling support. Will it be enough? Who knows?

All the staff in the office today were in good spirits. I was at the opposite end of the spectrum. Sad, unwanted and feeling desolate and upset. So many things have gone wrong in 2019 that I don’t know what is next.

Tomorrow I have a family funeral to attend and naturally this is playing on my mind. I have to present a strong facade but it’s going to be tough. It’s going to be a very demanding day, and to be honest, I have to front up and be there. I owe it to the departed person to do so. I will have some support there and that will help. But I want this horrible period to go and things to get a little easier. I don’t want to crash and think dark thoughts, and what’s more, I don’t want to act on those thoughts.

The holiday was good, all because I was away from the UK and the trouble. I shut off from all the upset and tried to enjoy it. But the troubles restarted when I turned that key in the lock. And this week has been shit, to put it bluntly.

So, that’s the story at the moment. Will the fight leave me as it’s done before, or will I hit back and show people that I am valued and appreciated? Because it doesn’t feel like that at the moment. A dangerous cocktail of emotions that I hope will cease sooner rather than later. We shall see.

A.S.D Brooks

Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...