Trying not to break into little pieces….

I used to like the TV series Doctor Who when I was a youngster. I even had a toy tardis as well, that had a door that opened and closed. How appropriate a tardis would be now. I feel as though I’ve been transported back to the year 2010, when you may or may not know, or care, that the arse fell out of my world.

Now it’s happening again. 2019 has started off in truly shocking fashion. Welfare benefit stoppage, family illness and home life (which isn’t good) are three things that are praying on my already fragile mind. I am fearful, terrified and wondering what is to happen next. I mean it can’t get any worse, can it?

That’s the beauty of living a life like mine. The unexpected will always make it’s presence felt. That’s why I look back to 2010 and think, will it happen again?

Well, what are the good points? I do have a better support network that wasn’t there in 2010. That just about keeps me sane, although between the hours of 1.30 and 5 am yesterday morning was a severe test of that sanity. I have to act very quickly to prevent this going completely downhill. Obviously I can’t do much about the illness of a family member. That at least is starting to normalise and I can breathe a little easier knowing he is comfortable and recovering, albeit extremely slowly. That is out of my control, I will grant you.

But my home environment is starting to cause me serious concerns and needs to be addressed before it is too late. Hopefully my support network can come up with a plan to ease my worries. It’s a big test on the nerves and sanity and I am extremely fearful. Even as I type now, my stomach is turning cartwheels and a cold shot of fear is pervading every pore of my being. Doing something about it will alleviate these worries, well that’s the theory anyway.

So I have to stop myself falling completely to pieces. I’m 46 years of age. I don’t need this. I’m not even sure I’ll make it to 50 at this rate. I could be the next one in hospital, either with mental health issues or a physical illness or both at the same time. Who knows indeed? Who knows how and when this dreadful year will turn back in my favour?

Watch this space, because it will be a rollercoaster ride, that’s for sure. Making myself ill with worry is not a recipe for long life, sorry if that sounds obvious. I have some bits and pieces to do next week, and hopefully that’ll keep my sanity just about on the right side. Not good at the moment, and that’s the Gods honest truth.

A.S.D Brooks

Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...