Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve had a meltdown. I’ve tried not to let the Christmas festivities and such bother me this year. I thought I was doing ok, I was weathering all what the season threw at me.
Until tonight. It was the SANE Christmas Party. And it was all too overwhelming. Too claustrophobic, too much happiness and joy and bonhomie. That may sound somewhat Scrooge like, but when the brain is shutting itself down gradually, it is hard to appear happy and content.
I’ve been doing a lot of bits and pieces around mental health recently and maybe that’s caught up with me. I just was overcome with panic, fear and the physical wobbles. That’s not down to over drinking either. There was a group photo and I tried to smile through it. Then I had to make my excuses and leave.
How I made it to the station I don’t know. My legs didn’t seem to belong to me. I was disorientated. My mind was spinning round. My mind was telling me that my dislike of parties and social functions was now coming to the fore.
But why should you worry? Just carry on with the festivities, the cheesiness, the enjoyment, the obligation to be happy. It’s just that some people, like me, become ill and overcome with the seasonal events. Maybe it’s the realisation that another year is drawing to a close. I made it to 17 days this December before the meltdown. All have a good laugh though. It’s only Brooks and his mental illness that no one seems to take seriously.
I’m due in for some volunteering tomorrow. I shall see after a night’s sleep. If I’m anything like tonight, I won’t be venturing out of doors. I was shot to bits, in the middle of a panic attack. But it’s only autism, right? Doesn’t matter. My world varies to a lot of others. I’m different. And in this world of ours, we steer clear of those that are different. I’ve had 46 years of being poked fun at, so another few shouldn’t hurt. I don’t matter. That’s ok. I would rather hide than face up to it all.
Apologies that my emotions are spilling over but as I said, it’s nearly 2019, and the brain has overloaded and burnt out. That’s how I feel.