Morning. Bar Monday, it’s been a pretty shit week. I’ve not gone out since Tuesday. I’ve gone into a pretty sharp mental nosedive. And I think that the training I’m doing may be the cause.
On this course, the group has had to disclose some fairly unpleasant stuff. Fourteen of us had to listen to each other and it was upsetting to say the least. But the Tuesday just gone was a bad day, pure and simple. And I’ve come to the conclusion that this course and the level of intensity is not for me.
Why? Well, if I went into this line of work and having to deal with client’s issues on a regular basis, then that person’s feelings would sit with me, especially if the issues were on a par with what has gone on with me.
So those feelings would stay with me and I would feel emotionally wrecked. Like the last two weeks. Yesterday was a truly abysmal day. My head was throbbing and I had no inclination to take part in any activity at all. I feel cold, I feel shocked at what has gone on, and shocked at the intensity of the training.
I just don’t feel that I can shut off my own feelings. I’m finding it very hard to function and also, there are some personal character defects which are being brought sharply home to me, and these defects need to be straightened out. I appreciate that those in power had faith in me and put me onto this course, but I have to safeguard my own well being. I’ve worked really hard this year at getting myself ok, then this has come along and I feel like the boxer in a title fight, trapped against the ropes with punches raining in on me.
We only had four men in the group of 14, and two have already decided it’s not for them. I will make it three. A quitter? Perhaps. But when personal health and safety is being threatened, then my defence mechanisms are coming into play. I need some time out and r and r from this constant re-traumatising. I don’t wish to be reminded of the murky, seedy past. I wish to move on and try and be well. Surely that isn’t too much to ask?
I shall carry on doing presentations and help to run the Thursday morning group. It’s just I’m in a massive goldfish bowl and feel trapped with trauma hitting me at regular intervals. Emotionally and physically drained. Some might say “Well, why did you accept the place on the training?” To be honest, I didn’t know what was in store. I thought it would be the start of a bright new dawn for me, instead I’ve gone backwards and not forwards. And I hate that feeling.
So I will let the course trainer know that is it for me with this training. Sometimes you have to accept you’re not good enough for certain things. There’s no shame in that, especially when health and well being are concerned.