Wits end….

2009/2010 or thereabouts. What I do remember is that the marriage I had blundered into was going wrong, very wrong. As they say, I was at my wit’s end.

The wife had gone to bed, and I sat downstairs, turned on the laptop computer and chatted to a few mates of mine on Facebook messenger. I was trying to cover up the depths of despair to which I had sunk. Money was running out fast, and I was finding out things that were shocking and still are, to this day.

I came off Facebook messenger and some very dark thoughts started to invade my mind. What if I’m not here any more? How will I disappear off the mortal coil? I then went on to a website that talked about suicide and looked at some of the ways of getting rid of this constant mental pain I was in.

Having satisfied that curiosity, I returned to Facebook and looked at a friend’s profile. He was having the time of his life, mixing wonderfully well and smiling away, happy with his lot. I then started to sob. Why has it come to this? Why am I so unhappy in this marriage?

And then another thought struck me. I’ve got another morning of being half scared to death by the constant shouting and belligerence of the other half. Something not to look forward to. At this point, I didn’t know what to do. I really wanted to go to bed and not wake up the following day. This was how things had escalated. Escalated to the point of no return. Despair and at a very, very low point in my life to date.

Here I am. Eight years later. I’m still here. I’m a survivor of such a total mess. And it was my fault for being dragged into a murky, seedy world of lies, deceit and treachery. I vowed never to go back to those fateful days. And I haven’t. I still have my rubbish days, but nothing as low as 2009/2010.

I’m still here, and surviving.

A.S.D Brooks

Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...