Yes, I’m having a meltdown. Again. But it’s ok. Most of you think it’s a game, something to laugh at, something to ignore, it’s alright, I’m just being melodramatic.
Perhaps I should have been born “normal”. Normal schooling, normal upbringing, normal work, normal life. But from the start, I’ve been different to accepted norms. And that is too much for people to understand or accept.
And on days like this, when little thing after little thing just builds up the head of steam in my brain. The feeling of helplessness, of not being in control, the non acceptance of how others behave. The little things just build up, like a ticking time bomb. I’m now on a train, wanting some peace and quiet to think, and guess what, my bete noire, the noisy schoolchildren, are on a trip and I feel trapped.
But it’s ok. Stop being melodramatic, stop over emphasising what has gone wrong. I devote some of my life to caring, I just wish others felt the same way towards me. On a day like this, the siege mentality has set in. Everybody is an enemy. But it’s ok. No biggie.
Except the stress and anxiety that all this nonsense causes. That is big. It ruins my day, ruins my life. Routine is disrupted, the base line of ASD. If that routine is disrupted, well my best advice is to steer clear of me for a while. It takes a long time for the steam to dissipate and to return to normal. This is real, right here, right now. I wish it was only done for effect. This defines me. A distressing existence.
And this usually follows a good day. Tomorrow will be…..well who knows. But you don’t care really. It’s all a laugh. It’s all a game.