Morning. Yesterday I did a short ten minute spiel on Autism to an audience attending that mental health festival I mentioned. Today, that ten minute spiel is being tested to the limit.
Started off okay. Had a blood test. Normally I would queue up for 2 hours, but there is a pre booking system in place now and bang on time, I was seen for that wonderful ritual of being used as a dartboard.
Straight out of the test centre, and straight on a bus. This is too good to be true, I said to myself. Something is bound to go wrong, and lo and behold, it’s all unravelled like an old jumper.
There’s always the freeloaders that try and get on a bus without paying. Two gobby teenage girls with an offensive attitude wanted to travel two stops without any means of payment. The driver refused, cue Mexican style stand off. I got off and walked the final two stops.
Get to the station. No trains. See what I mean? Our decrepit rail system breaking down again so all the passengers have decided to use the local buses. Quite chaotic.
Get on the bus. Every stop is full of people. The bus is full before too long. Get a mile into the journey. Roadworks. So more delays. Bus plods on and turns up at the next nearest rail station.
This is where things took a nasty turn. I was having a panic attack. It felt like being in a room with the walls closing in on me. Trapped. Why? Because as the bus pulled up, four teachers with a group of around 60 children get on. My brain ceases to function rationally. I’m trying to get off. I’m now panicking and ringing the bell as the kids and their teachers cascade onto the bus and upstairs. It’s like an onrushing wall of water. From walls closing in to a feeling of drowning.
Kept on ringing the bell until I shouted out “Could you let me off this bus please, driver”. What didn’t help was that the teachers couldn’t make a decision to save their lives. First they were getting on the bus, then not, then they were. And the driver takes some responsibility for allowing a large group onto a full bus.
I was now displaying all the hallmarks of a panic attack. My patience had snapped and the morning has collapsed around my ears. All things out of my control. But being autistic, when things out of my control go spectacularly wrong, that’s it. I feel like I must have been bad at some stage of my life and this is the payback. I know that’s not rational but those thoughts swim through your head.
So what’s happened now? I got off the bus, cursing and swearing. Very angry and upset that the whole day has gone down the drain. I got a bus on the opposite side and went home. Just to complete the sorry picture, the bus couldn’t stop at the stop I wanted to get off at due to these roadworks. So the next stop was a quarter of a mile away.
Indoors now, and that’s where I’ll stay for the rest of the day. Autism rules ok? No, it’s not ok. Hate the world when you get mornings like this. Want to stick pins in everyone that strides this earth. It’s all their fault. Irrational I know. But that’s my life now. I get days like this from time to time. And I can’t cope. Simple as that.
Time for a cup of tea and some more reflection.
What a nonsense of a day.