Sounds obvious doesn’t it. Mental illness is by and large, invisible. I can stand next to a person with a plaster cast on their arm or leg and the empathy and good wishes will go to that person. That’s because the illness or injury is visible, is tangible.
Mental illness is not, and especially autism. It’s a descent into a different world that very few people understand, or want to understand. I think I’ll use today’s cavalcade of nonsense at a future mental health presentation. You seriously couldn’t make up the things that went wrong today. Ruining my day, ruining what I want to do, ruining relationships and ruining enjoyment.
Each thing that went wrong was like death by a thousand cuts. Each thing wounds mentally, mortally, and destroys your rationality, your thinking and your emotions. It’s almost like fight, flight or freeze. I froze, so I flew. I didn’t stand and fight. My brain had gone. Ability to think straight had temporarily ceased to exist. The walls were closing in and trapping me in this Autism controlled world of mine.
It’s frightening and debilitating to be trapped like that and little way of escaping. Others don’t understand the torture that is being played out in my head. They just carry on in their own sweet way, oblivious to those who have to battle on a daily basis.
I’m trying to calm down and rationalise what went on today. But it’s taking a while. I had to have a blood test today. I only wish it was a substance they were injecting rather than taking out. A sleep inducing substance to take me away from the horrors of today. It’s not funny, and having a mental illness that’s as complex as Autism is no joke.