I sit down in the restaurant. I look at the menu, and I exchange pleasantries with the member of staff who’s serving the food. The menu looks nice….mmm…what shall I have? Oh the Thai green curry looks nice.
The prawn crackers arrive and I order a glass of my favourite wine, Merlot. And then the realisation hits me. There’s no one sitting opposite me. No one to exchange conversation with, no one to clink glasses with, no one to joke with. It’s just an empty chair.
The food arrives and I tuck in. But after the food has been eaten, I sit there and wait, and wait and wait. No one comes along to sit in that empty chair. I’m staring into space, glancing at my watch, and that feeling of loneliness and being hundreds of miles from home hits you. No one can help me out of this. I chose to go on a weekend break. But the lack of company got to me on Saturday.
No love in my life, no friends who want to sit there and stare at my ugly mug all evening and laugh at my crap jokes. No one at all. That empty void. That empty void has been there since 2010, when Mum went. That void has been there since my last serious relationship break up. The numbness I felt on Saturday night was stark. Maybe I’ve brought all this on myself. Maybe I have the wrong attitude. Ruminating again!
There are times when that emptiness isn’t apparent, and times when it is. Saturday was one such evening. The food and ambience of the restaurant was good, but staring vacantly into space and having nobody to talk to is a big worry. But I suppose I have only myself to blame. To blame for being autistic and to blame for having depression, anxiety and irregular panic attacks. Nobody really wants to know somebody whose stability is questionable at the best of times.
That explains this tale of the empty chair…..