Not a good start to Thursday, at all. The shutters have come down inside my head. The panic has started. The messages have been sent. I won’t be going to the weekly Peer Support group, once again.
Why? I just cannot face it. I cannot face sitting there, supposedly running the group, supposedly trying to support others when I’m in need of some support myself. The thought of it this clear, sunny February morning terrifies me. I don’t want to join my colleagues, I don’t want to go through with it. In fact, I’m beginning to lose heart. Something needs to happen to get me back on that road.
I don’t want breakfast. The thought of eating some toast or drinking some tea is being offset by a stomach turning over like a washing machine. I’m laying in bed, absolutely terrified of going out of that door, getting on that bus or train. This blog post has been full of wont’s, cannot’s and other assorted negativity.
I’ve been through this before of course. Many times. I thought that panic attacks were few and far between with me. Not so, it appears. Two weeks in a row. Yet, I can stand up in front of a group of 20 people and talk about cricket. Go figure. The mind is a complex thing, especially mine.
Not been the best six weeks to start the year. I think that everything is ok, then something arrives to ruin it. It’s a slight help getting my thoughts down on this blog post. I wish that everything is ok and I don’t have to concern myself with “Am I ok? Am I not ok?” each day.
So there it is. The demons have struck again. Horrible feeling. Ruining my very existence.